


Better Love a Dream

by planet_plantagenet



Category: Twelfth Night - Shakespeare
Genre: Awkward Conversations, Conversations, Internal Monologue, Internalized Homophobia, Lovers to Friends, Multi, Pansexual Character, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-28
Updated: 2016-07-28
Packaged: 2018-07-27 08:02:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7610140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/planet_plantagenet/pseuds/planet_plantagenet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I am the man: if it be so, as 'tis,<br/>Poor lady, she were better love a dream.”</p><p>Olivia and Sebastian examine their romantic feelings, which are not necessarily for each other.</p><p>A sequel to "Come What May"—it's recommended to read that first, but not necessary. http://archiveofourown.org/works/7527967</p>
            </blockquote>





	Better Love a Dream

“I am in love with Sebastian,” I said firmly. The sound echoed around the silent, empty library room, and I exhaled. Why was I doing this exercise anyway? To somehow cement the feeling in my mind, to ward away any suspicion that the statement might not be true?

 _I am in love with Cesario_ , came the next thought, unwelcome in my mind. I closed my eyes. _No, no, I’m not. Cesario is Viola, and she’s a woman. And besides. I’m married. She’s married. It can’t work out. I’ve got Sebastian. That’s good enough._

But as much as I willed the thought to be true, it wasn’t. Sebastian and Viola weren’t the same person. Yes, they looked the same. Both were beautiful and charming. Both had a way with words. But I’d fallen for Cesario—Viola, I corrected myself—and had only married Sebastian under the assumption that the two were one and the same.

How could I have been so stupid… to think Sebastian was Cesario, when I married him??

The door creaked. I jumped, and whirled around to see Sebastian slowly enter. He was smiling slightly, but the expression disappeared when he saw me.

“Sebastian,” I said. I took a deep breath, calmed my reeling mind. “You were out picking apples, were you not?”

“I was,” he replied, closing the door behind him. “But I….” He trailed off, then composed himself, tried again. “I saw Antonio.”

 _Antonio._ The man who had saved Sebastian from drowning, was it? Who had been detained by Orsino’s police? And—I suddenly remembered—who had been in love with Sebastian. I pulled a chair towards me, sat down.

“Oh?” I inquired.

“Yeah. My… friend.”

 _Friend_. “If I may ask… what happened? You seem… withdrawn. Preoccupied with your own thoughts.”

Sebastian grinned, seemingly in spite of himself. He pulled out a chair too, and sat, facing me. “I guess I am. A lot happened.”

“Such as…?”

“Well… we talked.”

“Is there a reason you’re telling me this? It seems to be between you and Antonio.”

“I’m getting to the point,” Sebastian explained hurriedly. I noticed a flush on his cheeks. “To be completely honest… we were talking about you.”

My heart skipped a beat. “What about me?”

“Well, he said….” He paused, glanced up at me. “He said you were in love with my sister.”

 _Dammit._ My heart was beating fast now, but I tried to keep my voice from shaking. “And… how did you react to that?”

Sebastian’s eyes were darting around the room now, looking anywhere but at me. “Er… various ways. Um. My reaction changed as we got deeper into the conversation, you know? But eventually I decided that… well… it would be best to talk to you. See if it was true.”

I swallowed nervously. “And… if it were true… how would you react then?”

He looked back at me. “I honestly don’t know.”

“Very well.” What good would it do to lie to him? “Yes, I think it is true.”

“Think?”

“Love is a complicated thing. It can be hard to discern whether your feelings are… ephemeral… or not.” I took another deep breath. “Such as my feelings for you.”

Sebastian’s expression was unreadable. “Which are…?”

“I….” I stopped, and finally made eye contact with him. “In all honesty, I don’t think that I love you.”

He exhaled sharply. “Well. That’s that, I guess.”

“I hope you’re not… offended.”

“Offended?” He laughed. “No, quite the opposite. I don’t think I love you either.”

There was a moment of silence, in which we both awkwardly smiled at each other. Then Sebastian cut in. “Well, uh, that’s not to say that I don’t like you. I mean. I like you very much as a friend.”

“As a friend,” I repeated. “A friend. Yes, that sounds good to me.”

“So… I suppose we should get a marriage annulment, then?”

I nodded. “I suppose we should. No hard feelings?”

“None at all,” Sebastian replied.

Again, the room was silent. Then I voiced a question that had been at the back of my mind throughout the conversation. “Do you love Antonio, Sebastian?”

He stiffened. “I… I don’t know.”

“He loves you.”

“Believe me, I know that. It’s just… I’ve never been attracted to a boy before.”

I laughed. “Hah, well, I was confused when I had my first crush on a girl. But you kind of… get used to it.”

That was a flat-out lie. After ten years of identifying as pansexual, I’d never been able to shake the feeling that my female crushes were just… wrong. That it was somehow against nature to fall in love with another woman. Just another reason why I’d denied my love for Viola.

Sebastian shrugged. “It’s just all very confusing. Like… I like him, you know? But I don’t know if it’s love. Not yet. I’ll have to wait and see.”

“Good idea,” I replied. “Perhaps you could spend more time with him.”

“Yes, exactly.”

“You know,” I suddenly interjected, “it feels so much easier to talk, now that we don’t have pretend to have feelings for each other.”

He nodded enthusiastically. “Definitely.”

I stood abruptly. Sebastian did too, a questioning look on his face.

“I’m going to write a letter to Viola,” I explained, “telling her about my feelings.”

“What if she doesn’t reciprocate them?”

I shrugged, a small smile forming on my face. “Perhaps you’re right. Perhaps she won’t love me back. But the least I can do is try.”


End file.
